Why the French Sound So Funny

It’s no secret that the French talk funny. We know that all countries have their own language or dialects, but that clearly is not the problem the French have. We Americans speak English but we can speak French too. Anyone can learn French and anyone can speak it - anyone, that is except the French themselves. So why do the French sound so funny?

For example, everybody knows that the French expression for “please” is “sil vous plait” or as we Americans say “Sill vuu PLAIT”. But the French can’t even do that. with them it comes out something like “zivuplaaaaaaah”. The phrase for “Thank you”, which is “merci beaucoup”, we Americans can say it clearly as “Mercy bow cup” but the French come out with something like “maersiebykoo.”

So there has to be another problem. And I have found out what it is. It is the way they prepare their food! Sacré bleu! (And that’s “sack ray bloo”, not “zceyblu”.

What’s the reason for this? The English don’t have any problem spitting out their words. That comes from eating mutton all the time. The Germans can blast you back two feet with their sharp words, and that’s from eating all that bratwurst and chewing endless amounts of sauerkraut. But the French just eat snails, pate foie gras and pastry. If you ever go to France, you can eat their snails and foie gras but don’t ever eat any of their pastry! Their pie crusts are so poorly made that you can’t even chew the darn things. They immediately turn into butter and sugar - just melt in your mouth and slide right down your throat. And stay away from the croissants - they are the worst of all. They are made out of just air - air with butter, a little syrup and sugar somehow added in. Those things don’t even need to melt to slide down. You put one in your mouth and it disappears. Then it is in your stomach. So now you know: the reason the French sound so funny is that their jaw muscles have atrophied from a lack of chewing! And anything that possibly COULD be chewed is just washed down with wine.

I was there for two weeks and had already begun to lose my ability to form certain word-sounds. Fortunately, we stopped in Spain on the way home and I worked out with chorizos twice a day and was able to pronounce again by the time we got back to New York. But if you ever go to France, be careful. You wouldn’t want to sound funny like the French do, would you?

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